Nov 22 2019

I’ve stopped using almost all social networks. One day I was fed up with the obsession and anxiety and compulsion they caused and said bye until further notice. Good riddance. So I really don’t keep up with the world, to be honest. Which means that when I find out about something important, it’s in disjointed and late parts.

So the other day I found out there had been some shooting in the USA and people were talking like everyone knew all the details already.

I didn’t. I only thought “another one?”

A day or so after that, and everyone was talking about the dead vegan baby. This time I found out the details. But still…

Another one?…

I like the fact that I’m not on social media more and more. So much terrible stuff. So much dead. So much killing.

I’d rather go outside.

That way the thousands faces of human destruction don’t stare back at me at all hours of the day.

They will still be there, but we don’t have to have a face off with each other so often.

Nov 21 2019

Many people say that carnivore has made them less spiritual. Like they have finally come back to the world and feel more grounded and stop being interested in spiritual things.

I think it’s more likely that they become so strong and centered that they stop clinging to other things for safety and relief, be they gurus, spiritual teachings, crystals, or even god itself. Now they have the strength to be in the world on their own.

It has been my experience though, that I’ve become more spiritual. At least, more sensitive to spiritual… Things.

I now can feel more clearly when something’s around, for example.

Thankfully, I also now have the strength to have it not pester me when I’m doing the dishes. Because damn, this is my house and you can stay as long as you don’t mess with me and let me do my damn dishes in peace.

Nov 20 2019

The worst part of carnivore is the adaptation. As you shift fuel sources from glucose to fat, you feel lethargic and with very little energy. Your electrolites are all over the place and then you start losing them at a wild pace. Sodium and potassium become a major concern for a few days, until your body figures out the ratios for everything.

And I say all this as someone who gets the minimal adaptation symptoms. I don’t get the headaches or cravings, or diarrhea that others get. I think it’s because I was pretty close to carnivore as a child. My mom says I used to live off meat and dairy. I think my body readapts fairly easily because of that.

The best part of carnivore of course, is everything else. The stable energy, the way you never get tired, the mental clarity, the lack of anxiety or depression, the lack of bloating or inflammation or gut issues of any kind.

The unexpected part of carnivore though, was how it changed me.

I can no longer write.

I used to write fiction daily. Thousands of words per day, obsessively, compulsively. I strung plots together with barely any effort. Now I can’t.

Because I don’t want to.

The very thought of writing fiction fills me with apathy and boredom. I see no sense in writing. The same way I do not feel anxiety or depression anymore, I no longer feel anything over writing. It no longer makes any sense for me, mentally or emotionally. I no longer care.

It’s funny when I think of how much I thought of writing as something so intrinsically me. Something that was part of me as a person. If anyone had told me just a year ago that I would not write again I would have thought of it as taking away a part of my very self. Now I see clearly that it was not. I do not even miss it. It is in no way anything vital for me and the way I clung to it an gave writing so much importance back then seems silly to me now.

I don’t even feel bad. I feel relieved. I feel free. As if I had been chained to writing and now I have been set free. I feel like there is something in me that expands and is more and more, and that thing is really me but it cannot be put into words. And even if it could, why would I want to?

Meat heals.

Nov 19 2019

I tried my hand at making pork belly for the first time a couple days ago. The recipe was wild. Baking for three hours. That was insane. But I wanted to try the recipe by the book the first time.

And of course I failed right away. The salt crust broke off completely and my pork belly curled up on itself so that the fat dripped onto the skin and there ended up being no crispy top.

It was very good though. Delicious despite the excess salt and the five spice powder gave it a sort of cake-y flavor. It sure smelled and felt like I was baking a cake.

Too bad it caused me almost instant bloating. And headaches. Felt overall terrible. I wonder what that was. Too much salt? Sensitivity to the (old, old, old) five spice powder? Too much fat? Maybe eating a quarter of a kilo of pork belly at once is not a good idea?

Everything at once?

Who knows? I sure hope it’s not sensitivity to pork itself, as is usual with a lot of carnivores. I love pork. I hope I don’t have to leave it too. But since it seems to cause bad effects on a lot of the others, it’s a possibility I cannot ignore.

Ah, welcome to the human experience: you don’t know what to eat or what not to eat, the authorities tell you to eat poison, and the stores are full of food-like products that will kill you very slowly.

Nov 18 2019

Yesterday I ironed my shirts. I like ironing. It feels calming and relaxing. Maybe that’s because I only own two button down shirts and I don’t have to iron some dude’s shirts for the whole week.

But I really do like ironing those two shirts I have. I find something calming in the methodical act of checking for creases, of making sure I pull and push in the right way. It feels like caring for myself. Like gifting myself the act of making sure every detail is right.

I’m not very good at it though. I move the iron too fast, don’t press enough… I’ve noticed I get better results when I go slower and move in a more determined way, putting in the appropriate pressure to deal with the creases.

I noticed yesterday that that’s also how I am in life.

I’m not very good at life either. I move too fast, here and there, never really going too deep, never pressing too hard. I would get better results if I moved in a more determined, focused way, pressing as much as required by life. But not too much, or of course I would burn.

One woman once said “One is the same way one is in everything” and I’d always somehow known that was true, but I’d never realized how much it was true, until I saw my way of living reflected in the way I iron my shirts.

Perhaps if you aren’t very sure of who you are, you should try to look more carefully at how you do certain things. How you wash dishes, how you do laundry, or commute to work.

You might find the reflection of your own life staring back at you from the movement of the iron over a shirt.

Nov 17

What a wild thing, that this year is coming to an end. It feels like it just started and now it’s ending.

Too much has happened. So much that I think it has overloaded my ability to remember…

I actually spent most of this year sick. I had to take antibiotics three times for three different stomachand throat infections… And to think that nearly 90% of my health issues were diet related and they all went away as soon as I shifted to carnivore…

It does fill you with a certain rage, I gotta say. You end up in a mental loop of “it was a lie! It was all a lie and it was killing me!” when thinking back at how hard you followed all the health advise of lots of vegetables, fiber, while grains, no fats…

Carnivore has thankfully made us all less anxious and angry and depressed so we do not rage much at all. But damn, there sure is a certain resentment just simmering u der the surface when you think back to all the lies…

Current Fic Plans

Currently I have 2 planned fics. One for shakaxmu and one for Aphrodite, death Mask and Shura. This last fic will be the final piece that ties up all of my previous works.

All my fics are interrelated. They are pieces of a single story that I intend to weave into a series on ao3 once I complete the two latest fics I have planned. Afterwards I don’t know if I’ll keep writing for this fandom. I don’t think I have more ideas, and there doesn’t seem to be much of an audience for fics in English.

I’m also very disappointed on the netflix remake. I was hoping it would bring in more people and attention but so far it looks like it won’t be the case. I was also hoping for it to help with giving me more inspiration but that’s not gonna happen either! 😛 ahhh, where do people go for story ideas or inspiration? U.U

I had a series of dream about people from my past. Among them was my first girlfriend, a relationship that I hat to end because we would be happier on our own than together, and when you love someone truly, you want them to be happy, even if they’re not with you. But I got curious about this dream, and decided to ask the galaxy tarot app, since I was still in bed and more asleep than awake.

What a curious outcome…