Dec 12 2019

The other day I realized that I’m becoming everything I hated.

But also, everything I used to be was hurting me.

So I’m happy now.

It’ll be alright now.

Dec 11 2019

I know very well the effect that eating plants and plant byproducts (especially flour) has on me: inflammation, headaches, exhaustion, digestive upset, etc. But this latest cheat of eating a regular omnivorous diet during my offices parties really made me aware of the mental effects of eating like that.

The mind fog was back, but so was the anxiety, confusion, creeping depression, and just overall dread of life that used to plague me.

All of this within less than three days of eating non carnivore food. Hell, im still recovering and feeling like a car ran me over and someone fried my brain.

It’s no surprise everyone is plagued by mental illness nowadays. We’re eating poison.

Dec 7 2019

I am recovering my widow’s peak.

It is such a small thing, but it makes me so happy and makes me have so much faith in recovery for the future.

I started losing it a few years ago, along with most of my hair. The hair loss only intensified when I tried to “eat healthy” and “be fit” with all the cardio and plant foods that included.

I feel so happy to be healing now. Recovering my hair, my skin looking great, and the loss of inflammation have been fantastic. And now when I look into the mirror and I see that little peak of hair, growing every day, I have yet another reason to smile.

Dec 6 2019

There’s still a couple fics I think are still abandoned somewhere in my computer.

I can’t check because the damn thing has been broken for months. For almost as long as I was sick this year, in fact. I need to get the damn thing fixed. Getting my back statement is a hassle without it.

But yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re there. One was MuxShaka, which I think I tried to make it all ethereal and shit. Sorta merging romance and religious experiences? And the other was ShuraxAiolos. That one, it freaked me out. I think I finished it and never published it? Or I never finished it in paper because I finished it in my mind and it freaked me out so much I didn’t want to put it in paper. Gotta get the dead computer back to life to figure out.

Either way, I just remembered that the other day cos I went back to my AO3 account to figure out how to delete my fics and I spent some time rereading some of them. That was some shit writing right there. Almost overshadowed by so many shitty ideas. I reread some fics that I used to think were hilarious. They weren’t. They really weren’t.

Oh, and I remembered the reading timeline I wanted to do with the fics and all. Well, ain’t nobody got time for that now, but I don’t like leaving things unfinished… Hmmm…

Dec 5 2019

You know, one thing I used to do back when I was 1000% dedicated to fandom? I used to idolize fanfic writers. Fanart artists too, a bit. But mainly for me it was the writers, because I was obsessed with reading fic.

If I found a writer I liked, I would follow them on every single platform they were on. I read their journals obsessively. I wanted to know everything about their lives and what they did in their day. I think that was kinda stalkerish in a way? And I wish I could say that I had really messed, stalkerish thoughts of like, kidnapping them or something. But it was all so much duller than that. I just really wanted to be their friend because I had no friends. I wanted to chat with them and have that friendship closeness that I couldn’t get with anyone in real life.

Looking back now at the people I used to idolize… I don’t know why I thought they were so cool. I really do t know. I think it was that damn depression messing with me (I’m starting to a feel, carbs somehow mess with your brain as a whole. Awful for mental health I tell u). I mean some were flat out losers. Like, I still have a great deal of love for them because that’s not something that can go away so easily. But damn, put your life together, will ya?

But it’s so weird now… I’ve spent nearly all my life idolizing people, and wanting to be like this or that person, and now…

What do I do now?

Dec 4 2019

Carl’s Jr has a low carb burger now. Well, that’s very nice and I got excited and got one the other day because oh, hey, they’re considering people like me, uh? Nice!

Well the meat was not nice. Not nice at all, and two bites in I remembered why I hate Carl’s Jr.

I don’t get why so many people like it tbh. I mean the other day I tried Wendy’s and it was VASTLY superior.

But I think I’m gonna have to buy a couple kilos of ground beef because I’ve been hearing some scary things about fast food meat being full of chemicals and additives that I 100% do not want in my body.

I think I’m gonna try some 70/30 meat now…

Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just go into a burger shop and trust that the meat I am eating is just that? Just, meat and salt and that’s it. No, it has to have fucking POISON in it.

Dec 3 2019

Some fanfic is fucked up.

It really is. Hell, in fact I’m gonna be very honest. Most fics are incredibly fucked up. And some of it is fucked up in very annoying and disgusting ways, and some is fucked up in really sad ways.

I don’t read the disgusting one. The ones that’s are like “a/b/o” “oviposition” “married couple kink”. I just take a look at the tags and don’t know what half of them are and I sure as hell don’t want to know cos I know it’ll be some fucked up bullshit.

But the other stuff… Its also bad, maybe worse. Or maybe it’s just worse because I often give it a chance and it just makes me sad. So sad. These are the fics where I can see how the author thinks. Most fic writers are so transparent, you can see their beliefs about the world, their experiences, their fears… It’s all right there very clear on the page.

Hell, I probably was like that too, but the stuff I see written for girls now… It’s just so awful.

And I don’t mean the quality of the writing, let’s be clear about that. I’m talking about the actual stuff that they are writing about.

Violent, toxic relationships, abuse of power, complete lack of any kind of emotional intelligence, guilt, self hatred, just… It makes me sad, to think that I’m staring at the inner workings of some girl’s mind, and these thoughts are so awful and are going to cause her so much pain and so much suffering.

Was fanfic this fucked up when I was a teenager? I mean I don’t think it was. Of course we had the usual dose of internalised misogyny and all. But beyond that, there wasn’t all this bullshit all around. There was some read dark fucked up stuff, but you had to actively look for it and it was very properly tagged with clear and relevant tags. It wasn’t everywhere like now.

I’m so sad. So sad for them.