Feb 22 2020

So my mom bought me a cape with a paw that has a hood with ears. I thought it was a dog hoodie, because I love dogs. And so did my mom when she bought it. But one of my sisters pointed out that no, it was actually a cat cape.

Well, no matter. I’ll be catdog. It really is such a cute cape.

And we did go out for lunch today all together. It was very nice. I had beef stomach soup for the first time in years and it was delicious. I don’t know why I hated it so much when I was younger. I now have a better appreciation for organ meats. I also had a trout with garlic, which has always been my favorite. I can’t remember the last time we all spent time together calmly like this.

Ah, yesterday I was thinking that… that I’ll always think of Aioros as a dweeb. I cannot really take him seriously. I see too much of myself in him. From the sign, to the taking care of the siblings on his own, to the being the only one who points out something wrong and ends up getting murdered for it. It’s all too much for me. Like when you stare too much at your reflection because it’s you, but also if you stare for too long you start to pinpoint all the flaws and ugly parts.

I think that’s why I find it a bit hard to write him. Much harder than Milo and Camus, that’s for sure. But those two are so easy to write because I see nothing of myself on them, so it’s kind of like playing with dolls.

As for actual writing, I didn’t get too much done. With so many things to do and how noisy it is at my parents’ house, it’s hard to find the time to write, and even harder to concentrate.

But I reached 20k today, which was nice. And the story is rolling in a much more interesting way now, too. Unplanned things are happening and in a much better way than I could have envisioned too.

So, slow but nice progress I guess?

Feb 21 2020

I got 500 words today during a half hour I sneakily took to eat (I get out early on Fridays, but don’t have lunch time). Not a lot of words, but I got a new scene I hadn’t planned for in the outline. And a fairly neat one at that. I really liked it. I’m getting more and more excited about finishing this thing.

But then I had to travel and now I’m at my parents’ house. It’s nice, but as always they have a lot of problems.

It always feels like getting a punch of reality right to the face when I come to visit, and I realize just how good and privileged my life is.

Tomorrow I’m hoping we might be able to go have lunch together, but who knows? There are never plans when it comes to my family, so I guess we’ll see. But I always wake up much earlier than them, so I might be able to sneak another 500 words before they wake up.

Feb 20 2020

18k

Gosh, these were hard. My outline was a mess in this part and writing has become much harder, so I only got like 1.5k today.

When I’m making the outline I always complain about how fucking detailed I make them. But then when I’m writing all that detail saves my ass and it’s these vague parts that always trip me off. Hell, I had to cut off a scene because it made no sense in the end with the new things I’d written, so now I’m 8 scenes from the end.

God, I’m SO CLOSE to finishing this thing, it’s so exciting. Like, I’m not even excited about writing the thing, but just about finishing the thing.

But I honestly can’t write a single word more today.

Feb 20, 2020

No words yesterday. Too much to do. Too much at work, too much at home…

And what I’m trying to write requires a bit more effort than usual from me, so… Overall no.

I don’t like it tho. I really wish I’d made more of an effort to write, instead of wasting my lunch hour walking out in the sun. But I was really so fed up with having to reconcile hundreds and hundreds of transaction that I just needed a pause. I needed fresh air.

Let’s hope I can get some words going today, tho. At least 500. I don’t want to lose the roll I’m in with this story. Especially when I have to write a couple more right after I finish it. They need to be posted before this one to complete the timeline for Remade Anew.

Seriously, when did I think this was a good idea?

Ah, but I really do hope I manage some words today. Although I also want to pop into Sally for some hair products too. I’m gonna try and take care of my hair some more.

Carnivorism has fixed almost everything wrong with my health (depression, anxiety, exhaustion, gastritis, colitis, inflammation, back pain, weak nails) but the one thing it hasn’t fixed is my hair.

Oh, it is growing crazy fast now. It’s now at around my waist. Longer than it has been in years. And I got my widow’s peak back, slowly but surely it is gaining definition.

But there isn’t… More. I lost clumps of it when I got sick last year. Falling by the literal fistfulls. Now it isn’t falling as much, but it’s still so thin and dry. And all the other carnivores have such great hair (the women do, men go bald) that I don’t know what’s happening with me. Perhaps I’m not eating enough? I increased my fat consumption and it kicked me right into ketosis, which was neat, but still… When will my hair get fixed???

Feb 19 2020

wordcount

Neat.

Anyway, we have finally reached the “interesting bits”. I don’t know why I call them interesting. They’re the parts I would usually try to cut off. But now I’m gonna try something neat with them and it is making me excited. I wonder if I’ll be able to pull it off…

It’s not going very well because I’ve had so much work that I barely managed to get 1.5k during today’s lunch hour and I don’t think I’ll manage much in the next few days.

In fact, I’m thinking of just finishing all this pile of stuff and trying to finish it on the weekend.

Oh, wait, no. This weekend I’m gonna go visit my family in another state. Shoooot. Yeah, no writing there. Hmmm, this is gonna be complicated…

But gosh, I really do want to finish it. I’m already past half of the outline, and I feel the usual “I want this to be DONE” itch that I always get when I’m so close to finishing.

I can’t believe I was expecting this fic to run around 40k. It’s gonna be around 20 at most I think. If I’m really lucky (I’m not) it might hit 25k

Ugh, mostly I just want it to be done, however many words it ends up being.

Feb 18 2020

So, I barely got the 1k I was expecting. Boy, yesterday was busy. Two hours with my supervisor for her to tell me my numbers were great. God. Who else is giving you double digits improvements? Who?! *mumble mumble*

Ah, but I came back and had delicious lamb and bone marrow, which was great.

Also got a package from yesstyle for some dresses that I ordered, but… They don’t really fit me the way I was hoping they would. Well, two of them did, but the others… It was sad. And there’s nothing wrong with how they are, it’s just that I end up looking weird in airy, cutesy dresses.

That’s something that I’ve always disliked about my looks. I can never look cute. There’s a sort of… Aggressive look to my face. And to my body as a whole, tbh. It ends up making me look rough and sorta edgy, no matter what I wear. And I look fine most of the time. I can usually pull off looking kinda sexy/sultry fairly easy (not that I actually go for that tbh) but if I want to look cute and nice I just end up looking dumb.

It kinda makes me sad to think about it. Because I think it causes people to think I’m aggressive and ends up being off-putting to others…

Feb 17 2020

Words weren’t easy yesterday. I ran into a wall at around 2,500 because I reached The Scene that I didn’t want to write. But it ended up coming out in a much nicer and tasteful way than I expected. Very grateful to my brain for that save. After that it was pretty easy, and I closed in at 5k for the day’s total. Much better than I thought I would do.

I might have reached another 6k day, had I not had to fiddle with a lamb roast that took way too long. But it was such a damn good lamb roast, I can’t complain. Absolutely delicious. Like barbacoa without the spices that burn my stomach and cause me inflammation. All of the intense flavor and soft meat, none of the “curling in pain wishing to die”.

I’ve got to admit, I did have a “what have I done” moment as I brought the 3 kilos of lamb shoulder back home, but it turned out great and the half of it that I made will feed me for a few days.

So, overall, yesterday was nice and productive. Today I’ll probably only manage 1 or 2 k at most because it’ll be a busy day at work, but the story’s flowing nicely now. Sort of. I’m still agonizing over how slow and unexciting it is going. It really makes me a bit anxious to think of how writing this feels like a continuous drag of writing scenes that HAVE to be written while wondering if I’ve made it to the interesting bits yet. I bet by the end of the week I’ll be sick of it. But I’m hoping it’ll be done and ready to publish by then.

Good riddance, I swear. Why did I think it would be a good idea to finish this thing anyway?

Feb 16 2020

So the other day I got the recovered files from my dead laptop that my dad managed to salvage, and lo and behold the shuraxaioros fic was there.

A piece of trash, but there.

I fixed up an outline for it last week and it looked as good as it can get. It’s a very odd story, I gotta say. Well, odd for me because I don’t usually write stuff like that. It’s more drama than I like to have.

But the whole thing came very easily. Just piecing things together here and there, so I tried out my hand at it on Friday. Surprise, surprise, I got through 6k that day. It flowed fine, but the scenes are ending up much shorter than I thought they would be. And since this is too big to post as a one shot, that’s a problem because ain’t no one wants to get 400 words updates.

I think the issues with it became so glaring that they really got to me because yesterday writing just wouldn’t work. I couldn’t get through even the first thousand words for some reason. The story felt like it was lumbering forward, slow and boring, just from the sheer strength of the outline alone. (this is why you write outlines kiddos)

It was the same goddamn problem that made me abandon it a year ago and it pisses me off that I still haven’t found what the damn problem with it is. I painstakingly got 3k yesterday but it wasn’t nearly as easy as on Friday.

I’m gonna try and see how many words I can get on it today. I’m guessing another 3k. Maybe more if I can get through the old parts fast enough and reach the parts that I remade on the outline when I fixed up the plot.

Actually, I think that’s might be the whole problem. This story has too much damn plot. Not enough romance and jokes and funny bits, so it feels like a waste to me. Because honestly? A scene without a joke is a wasted scene. There, it had to be said.

Feb 14 2020

Gosh, this is something I wouldn’t normally eat, but yesterday our boss invited us out to eat and I wasn’t going to pass up nearly 900 grams of ribs just because they had sauce.

The fries were given out to my coworkers.

As for me doing anything special for today, well sadly still single yet another year so I think I’ll spend some time writing and reading.